first attempt

i have my sketch pad out. and i am workin on the sketches...im on page 8 of 30. thats good right? well, im stopped at 8 cuz im gettin annoyed. her face looks dumb. maybe i need an illistator? but what if they do it and i dont like it? and its not what i ever wanted? no! i must do the illistrations. no one can get into my imagination and have the same dream for this book as i did! they didnt even create her! i did, and i will achieve this. i have the skills, i just lack the patients. i will..for i must get patients! ok... did i pump myself up? should i re-attempt her face? her face, its too detailed. it was never supposed to be so detailed. im not pumped up... ok, what should i do to pump this carcus up? thats what i feel like, a carcus. where is my drive?! umm....if i dont do this now, i will still be unmoved. i will still be without victory. so, if i try and i fail...i tried and am closer to this victory, because that failiar was bound to happen anyway, and that lesson needed to be learned...so i need to get out all the failings..until i get there. until i reach the end. and it will only happen through perseverance and with courage to face the challenges that WILL come without invitation. so stop standing there and wishing life will come easy, and thinking that if you never face your fears that you will never have challenges. would you rather face the challenges that came with faceing your fears or would you rather have the challenges that come with ignoring your life? who would you be without a challenge? would we have no character? this is only a book. and through the way that it is being written, with fear of failier and disaprooval lies the story that id die to put behind me but its the story that unfortunatly still dictates my life.

his boots is what kills me

im sitting next to a homeless man in starbucks. he is sleeping. he is snoring really loud. one customer bought him a cookie, and placed it infront of him...he is still sleeping. another customer bought him a drip coffee, sat it next to the cookie. he woke up, walked to the register, and bought his own coffee and then sat back down at his table. he is trying to stay awake. his boots, the rubber of the toe peeling off entirely. im sure he trips on that big rubber piece all of the time. his pinky on his hand looks broken. why isnt he eating his cookie? i just want to cry. where is his family? he is coughing really hard, he must be sick like me. he just left and went to sit outside but he left the cookie and coffee that other people bought for him. i didnt even do anything for him.

Im not there yet

i am so intirely held back in my life by things that i want to do. i ask myself every stinken day why i havent sent my book to the publishing company. and i can come up with some pretty darn good reasons. mostly because i dont know how and that i am not sure if i need to have it illistrated before i send it in. BUT how can that really hold me back for so long. i mean, its been a long time. i had it written months ago. now i am in a stand still. this is what i do. i have dreams, i have big fat dreams. i start them, and i never finish them. i will get as far as it is until its just in arms reach and then stop. i have had 19 jobs. i hate being bored. i will back up my reasoning in having 19 jobs easily. i dont think any one should be bored at there job. and if its just minimum wage jobs...who really cares if you bounce around within them? so, here i am..my cute little book is written. and i am scared outta my pants to turn it in? i know that the reason i so easily barf up isnt the real reason. their is something seriously going on inside of me. my heart and my mind are all messed up. i cant find the true answer. i really need to believe in myself...well,, i guess i do. ultimately, yes, i do. i know that one day i will love what i do for a living and that i will be living out these things that i am so passionate about. but there is this hurdle. and i think it actually may be a little higher than the hurdles that you jump over around the track in highschool. i think it is about as high as those mountains in aspen (which one day i will ski down) i have full confidence that the Lord will deliver me from them. this will be monumental for me. i feel like once this mountain is down, then nothing will stand in my way. not one little thing. i know that this complex that i have will always ya know...maybe be alluring to me and try to suck me back in. but i feel like once i conquer it one time. i will never let it trick me agian. well, lately i thought that i have been doing really well. i mean, last month i made the final edits to my book and i was so pumped and just ready as ever to send it in...but here i am, just not there. im not there yet. im not there yet emotionally to know that i am ok in my failiers. i feel like i am set back by thinking that what i can do physically defines my worth, and guys....i dont have many succeses physically. and i know this isnt how the Lord would want me to think! but how hard is it to think otherwise? when the world esteems scholors and doctors money so much higher above the others. i want my heart to drive my life. and im not saying that scholors and doctors and the like are living there life in any other way....but i can tell you, that i sure will not be a scholor. and i hate that i feel so frowned upon because of it. i wanna write. i wanna be the best wife that i can be. and i wanna reach out to the youth in whatever community that i live in. so let me! i feel like that isnt aprooved of. i am so shackeled from what i want to be by this label that people want me to wear. i just want to move away. meet new people and risk it all. my father really messed me up. there are so many people out there with dads like mine, some even worse, and i want to encourage them and tell them how loved they are and that they can do anything they want and become whatever they want...but i know that i will never be able to do that if i first dont believe it for myself. this all makes me see that i am the only one standing in the way from becoming everything that i want to be. just how do i get out of the way? im 24 now. how much longer till i get there?

So far I suck at blogging

so, i realize that i am not that great at this yet. but i just wounder (how do you spell wounder) ....how this all works. i feel like it is mostly like a journal that you hope (or allow) other people to read. some people get discovered off of their blogs. then they become famous authors. now wouldnt that be nice. how do people find other peoples blogspots, strangers blogspots? its all so new to me and this is the oldest form of a myspace or facebook type thing that i am aware of, and it is the last one (of the three) that i have become a part of.
well, so here i go. i am at work right now. the phone hasnt rang in 4 hours or so. its quite boring. ive got nothing better to do than to post this blog.
one day, i will not be working here. one day, i will be a real writer. i will have a writing career. oh, what a day that will be. they will hire me i will get paid to write. sweet sound to my soul talking about this.
so its christmas time. and yesterday was a wee bit of a ruff day for me...or was it the day before. all the days are all stuffed together for me these days....well, it snowed. and snow, i have realized will magnify whatever emotion you are feeling. so, there i was...sad, in deep thought already due to a till 3:30 in the morning convo i had waking up at 6:30 to go work (one of my 2 jobs) at a coffee shop... i stood exhausted. coffee didnt even sound good. and to me, let me tell you. i live off of coffee. ever since my first cup at age 11, i cant stop drinking it. i will surely die one day due to some new disease you get from drinking it too much. my co-worker even asked me if i wanted her to make me my fave seasonal drink 12 oz tripple egg nog latte with pumkin flavor NO FOAM. and i said "no" !! (until later) but the snow just left me deep in my soul, just harvesting these thoughts... could not get out of them.
today i am great though. and oddly enough all the snow is melted away too.
maybe snow isnt good for me.
we will see. surely it will snow next week.

Hi Guys!

I am officially a blogger now! YAY!